Sunday, June 28, 2009

What "Real Men" Are Like

Throughout my life, I've made the occasional mistake of talking to a stereotypical guy. They really exist, to my utter dismay. And they think they're the only guys out there.

I remember one conversation I had with a guy on a train. He was talking about cheating on his girlfriend like it was no big deal. He explained that he was male, so he couldn't help it. When I tried to call him out on his bullshit, he called me naive and said that my boyfriend was most certainly cheating on me. It was male "nature." So I had one of my pent-up fury fantasies, went a bit like this:
Douchebag: You guys have been apart for a month? He's definitely cheating on you.

Me: Actually, you don't know him. All guys are different.

Douchebag: (Chuckles) No they're not. Aww, you honestly believe that?

Me: Yes, most men are pretty unique. But I know one thing you all have in common. (Promptly kick him in the nuts with all the strength of my grrrl-power)

Of course, after talking to a few friends, I realised Mr. Douchebag had been trying to convince me to sleep with him. Apparently he didn't understand that I'm one of those strange women who ISN'T attracted to assholes.

Anyway, that was a serious tangent. This aggressive energy towards "typical" men is coming out because of a stupid "list of rules" for girlfriends to follow that I found on the internet. I know it was intended to be humorous, but in a "this rings true and you know it, you just don't want to say it" kind of way. Here it is, with my comments included:

Men are NOT mind readers.
No, but supposedly they are human. There are these things called facial expressions...oh, and body language. If you can't read those, it's not because you're male. It's because you're autistic.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Actually, you're a whiny bitch. Men and women both use the toilet with the seat down sometimes. Men already have less work when they pee. They pull it out and presto! So put the fucking seat down afterward.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Well, that's cool. Just know if you're that into sports then I'm not interested in you. Find someone else.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
No, shopping is consumerism. Sport is homo-erotic chest-beating. Take your pick.

Crying is blackmail.
Once again, crying is human. If you have a problem with that, go back to your life as an emotionless automaton and leave me alone.

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Only if you're a simplistic moron.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Good to know. Might as well get all my sex from them too while I'm at it.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a Doctor.
It is truly sad that a woman would feel the need to pretend to have a headache in order to not have sex with you. Clearly she is afraid of losing you for some strange reason, even though it would probably make life a lot better for her.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you have trouble with your long-term memory, it is a Problem. See a Doctor.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
I'm not interested in soap opera guys. If you're interested in Victoria's Secret girls, go date one.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If a woman thinks she's fat, there are high odds she isn't. YOUR douche-baggery is the reason women are so obsessed with weight.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the "other one "
You're a lazy asshole who can't handle being confronted by problems. Go live out your shallow existence somewhere away from me.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
In real relationships (a concept you'd never comprehend), both people do nice things for each other. This concept is called reciprocity.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
That was a joke, right? Have fun getting lost. Please get VERY lost.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
So do we. If you're offended by our un-ladylike behaviour, look up the definition of "hypocrite."

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
Sometimes it's difficult to convey when you're upset. Of course, you guys are sooo good with communication, so you never have that problem, right?

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
The only questions I ask are ones I want to hear the answer to. Sometimes I ask because I am insecure. Your duty is to answer me in a way that doesn't increase my insecurity. Unless, of course, you want me to truthfully answer your question about the size of your pen15.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
The impression I get is that stereotypical men do care what their "girls" wear. For example, if we're going out with your macho guy friends, I have to dress up sexy to make them jealous, right? If we're going out with other attractive females, it doesn't matter what I wear, because you're busy looking at boobies that you haven't touched yet.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
Oooh I love men with so little going on in their brains.

You have enough clothes.
And you have enough porn, you judgmental prick.

You have too many shoes.
But I could always go on another diet, right?

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Hmm. Then perhaps you should be cool with your girlfriend having that shape too.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
And I thank god my boyfriend isn't like you tools. Yes, you do mind sleeping on the couch tonight, cause it means you won't get laid. And that's the only thing you care about, isn't it?

These questions show the complete lack of respect some men have for women; even their own partners. A guy like this is not interested in his girlfriend's feelings, not interested in easing her insecurities (more than likely created by male pigs in the first place), not interested in her intelligence, communication, or ideas. The only thing he is interested in is boobies.

I suggest we send all "stereotypical" men to an island, each equipped with a pair of silicon "cyperskin" boobs, and let them play to their hearts' content. Meanwhile, women can be free to have relationships with nice men, knowing that all the creeps have been weeded out of the gene pool.

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